Archive for the 'They don’t come with a manual' Category


The ABC’s You Wish You Knew

Aubrey has been learning new things by leaps and bounds since starting preschool two weeks ago. She absolutely adores her teacher but she unfortunately credits Ms. Shayla with teaching her the alphabet song. This is unfortunate because, well…it’s not the alphabet you remember.

To the tune of ABC’s (which also happens to be Twinkle Twinkle Little Star)…

A  U  B

A  F  G

Q  U  X

E  U  B



W  X

A  U  B

*repeat 2,700 times


Versatile Armpits and Other Colloquialisms

While changing for bed one night.
Aubrey:   You got BIG armpits!
Me:   [confusedly point to my armpit] I have big armpits?
Aubrey:   No those. [points to my chest]


While at dinner with several family members including my sister-in-law’s little brother Jordan fresh out of Army training.
Aubrey:   You got big armpits.
I giggle thinking she’s telling Jordan he has big boobs that she can see thanks to his ‘stylish’ removal of his t-shirt sleeves.
Jordan:   What Aubrey?
Aubrey:   [points to Jordan’s bicep]
At this point she removes her jacket to show off her own ‘armpits’. When Jordan asks her to flex for him she nonchalantly raises her arm in the classic flexing pose and flips her hair with her hand.
Lord help us.


Following any suggestion Aubrey makes.
Aubrey:   That be idea?


Every weekend morning.
Aubrey:   [whispering] G’morning Mommy.
Me:   [groan and open one eye to see what time it is] G’morning Auby.
Aubrey:   Look! The light is out. [gesturing to the morning sun in the window] That’s why it’s morning time!!


Concerning almost anything new. Objects, places, experiences, etc.
Aubrey: I so eh-cited!!!


Aubrey:   Otay.


Concerning her hair in various circumstances.
Aubrey:   [combing her tangled hair with her fingers] I making my hair byooful Mom. It so byooful?

Grandma:   Come on Aubrey, let’s go take a bath.
Aubery:   But I jus tate a bath last night I did.
Grandma:   Well we take baths in the morning too. Besides your hair [gets cut off by Aubrey raising her hand in exasperation]
Aubrey:   I know. It’s so wyold.

Aubrey:   [while having her hair straightened one morning for school] My hair so warm and soft! But not dis side. It’s jus wyold. You maytit byooful Mom?


Arriving home from work.
Aubrey:   [following big hugs] You miss you durl?


Chocolate milk vs. Milk.
Aubrey:   I wan chotet milt. I no want milt in it. I jus wan chotet milt.
Me:   Aubrey, you have to have milk to make chocolate milk.
Aubrey:   Yeah but I no wan milt. Jus put chotet milt in my tup.

Daddy:   Aubrey, you want some chocolate milk?
Aubrey:   No! You mate milt. Mom mates chotet milt. [apparently the ratio of chocolate syrup to milk is critical]


Concerning death.
Aubrey:   [out of the blue to her day care provider] You mom die?
Lisa:   Yeah she did.
Aubrey:   [after a short moment of silence] It be otay. I getchu a new one.


Bubble Yasses and Water Binkies

Aubrey loves streaming various animated shows on my phone using the Netflix app. It began with Dora and Diego. Much to my surprise it branched out into a love of Futurama. I didn’t realize it at first but in the car one day in a quiet moment between songs on the radio I heard the familiar voices of Fry and Leela.

She has watched quite a few episodes at this point and while I don’t know how much she understands of what is going on, something she said to me on the way to day care one morning made it clear that she is creating her own logical explanations of what she is seeing.

She has been under the weather off and on this month. She had a cold followed by a few good days, then pink eye and just as that is clearing up she appears to be suffering from some terrible allergies.

Earlier this week on our morning drive to day care she appeared to be in a fog of sleep and congested malaise. I glanced at her several times expecting to find her back asleep because she had been so silent and bleary eyed. Out of the blue she calls to me from the back seat to say, “I need bubble yasses.”

“You need bubble glasses?!” I replied thoroughly confused and quite surprised by her unexpected demand.

“Yeah. So I can see. And a water binkie and the bubbles come out. That way the water not get in my mouth. But first I need a swimming suit!”

LOL “What?!”

“I can’t go under the water without a swimming suit! That be silly!”

I started piecing things together at this point and began playing along. She had seen characters on an episode of Futurama scuba diving and had been mulling over what she had watched who knows how long ago. Not knowing what things were called she used things in her world that she was familiar with to explain what she was seeing. The goggles were clearly glasses shaped like bubbles and what else could a regulator be than a fancy binkie for keeping water out of ones’ mouth while under water?

I just love how her brain works!! She lights up my world.



Aubrey is going through such an amazing and fun stage of her life right now. Her vocabulary is exploding and she is finally able to put into words the many things going through her head at any given moment. She is also able to make it evident that her memory is AMAZING. It is going on two weeks since I was in LA and she still occasionally asks me when she sees a plane in the sky, “Mom go in a pane?”

On Saturday we took her to the Dinosaurs Unearthed exhibit at Union Station. She was both enthralled and terrified of the entire experience. She had a death grip around my mom’s neck the entire time and if Aubrey felt that her mom or her grandma were getting too close to the moving, growling monsters she was quick to tell us that. “It no eat you Mom! I save you!”

Given her overall quiet and obviously nervous demeanor throughout the entire exhibit I didn’t think we would be doing anything like that again any time soon, however on Sunday night she turns to me out of the blue and says, “I see dinosaurs! You see dinosaurs wif me Mom?” Then again on Monday, in the car on the way to day care she sleepily rubbed her eyes and asked, “We go Yamma’s house?” “No we’re not going to Grandma’s, we going to day care.” “I go see dinosaurs?” It seems the IDEA of dinosaurs is incredibly appealing to her. She appears to have forgotten that pesky REALITY that she’s scared of them.

This morning is what really blew me away.

We’ve been working on getting her back into a routine of some sort. Until recently she has stayed up with us until we were ready for bed and then we all snuggled into the same bed. I know that it is generally frowned upon to let a toddler sleep with their parent but I get so little time with my daughter during the week that quite frankly, I couldn’t care less what some self-important child psychologist author or anyone else thinks. Every child and every parent-child relationship is unique so if my bonding time with my child means she shares/slowly steals my pillow at night then so be it. Tangent aside, we have been working on getting her back to sleeping in her own bed simply because we’re hoping for kiddo number two soon and it will be easier if she is already broken of the habit of sleeping with us by then.

So last night I laid down with Aubrey in her bed just long enough for her to fall asleep. Unfortunately I am physically incapable of staying awake with her slow quiet breathing hypnotizing me. Brandon came in to wake me up around 11:30 and I stumbled into our room to finish the night.

Typically when we attempt this routine, around 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning Aubrey will wake up and make her way into our bed on her own. I didn’t sleep well last night waiting for that to happen, but it didn’t.

After a few dozen passes on the snooze button I got up and got ready for work. As I finished drying my hair I heard Aubrey start crying in her room. When I opened the door, smiling, ready to say ‘Good morning Beautiful!’ I was greeted with a crocodile tear streaked face and an angry exclamation of, “You left! You left me!”

I felt so bad! I tried to convince her that I just stepped out to dry my hair but her expression told me she didn’t believe me.

I got her dressed and we went to the kitchen to get her some chocolate milk, Cheerios and gummy bear vitamins. Generally I have all this prepared for her before I wake her up so she never sees the preparation process. I typically take some cereal and a travel coffee cup full of milk to work in the mornings so when she saw my travel cup next to her cup she says, “What’s that?” “That’s for Mommy’s drink.” “Mommy wan chodit milk?” “Sort of.”

I poured whole milk into her cup and as I was returning it to the fridge to grab skim milk for myself she yells, “Hey! What about you chodit milk Mom?” Talk about observant.

As I was explaining to her that I drink different milk than she does she asks, “Where Daddy?” “Daddy’s still in bed.” “Daddy not in bed!” “Yes he is sweetie.” “No. Daddy not come to bed last night. Daddy go buh bye.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. Her logic was flawless. Daddy, in fact, did not lay down in her bed last night so naturally he could not still be in bed if he was never there to begin with.

What else is going on in that head of hers that I have yet to find out about? With the amount of documentaries she watches with her dad it’s likely something like quantum mechanics and string theory….oh lordy I can’t wait for those conversations!


The Princess and The Pee

*Note – this will be the long rambling post of an incredibly proud parent.

Aubrey’s day care provider has had a vacation planned for November 13th through November 21st for several months now and the plan was always to make an attempt at potty training while I worked from home with Aubrey. She turned 21 months on the 14th and everything I had read said that kids weren’t really ready to start trying until after age 2. I wasn’t nervous about trying early though. I have had a clear plan in my head of exactly how I was going to tackle this particular milestone for quite a while. I was also prepared for failure. I figured if she wasn’t ready for this step, we would just try later. I knew it would happen eventually.

I bought Aubrey a “Princess Potty” several months ago and it has been in her bathroom all this time so she could get used to seeing it and hearing the word ‘potty.’ Every time I went to the restroom I would say, “Mommy’s going to go potty, do you want to come?” Aubrey would almost always excitedly follow me into the bathroom where she would sit on her potty chair, lid up or lid down, it didn’t matter, while she waited for me to finish. Sometimes she would even pantomime wiping, even though her pants were always up.

I took Friday off of work, and if you glanced at the calendar you may have noticed that I did in fact decide to attempt this endeavor on Friday the 13th. I woke to Aubrey yelling, “Mama! Mama!” from her crib in an effort to tell me that I had clearly slept in and she was going to be late to day care. I slid out of bed around 8 a.m. and Aubrey and I had cereal while we planned out our day. I told her how we were going to have 10 whole uninterrupted mom-baby days and that we were going to learn to use the potty. She seemed rather indifferent as she munched on her Apple Jacks.

After breakfast we got dressed, kissed Brandon and wished him a good day at work and then Aubs and I headed off to the grocery store to get all our provisions for the day.

We stocked up on 4 different kinds of juice and plenty of salty, thirst inducing snacks. Then I vacuumed up all of the dog hair and dust bunnies, rolled up the living room rug and laid out the ‘throne.’

In front of the t.v. where I put in The Chronicles of Narnia.

We have a definite advantage in the fact that we don’t have carpet anywhere upstairs other than in our bedrooms. That’s mainly thanks to one of my pregnancy hormone induced nesting binges in which Brandon came home to me removing large hunks of carpet with a box knife and heaving them into the front yard.

Once I had everything in place including a Costco sized helping of paper towels and disinfectant wipes…

I stripped Aubrey down to nothing.

She ran the house naked for the entire day and each time she would start to pee on the floor I would try my best to get her to her potty chair before she was done, all while telling her in an encouraging tone what she was doing. Ex: “Aubrey you’re pottying! That’s good! Potty goes in your potty chair.”

Once or twice I managed to get her to the chair in time to get a few drops in there. I didn’t take my eyes off her for the majority of the day, with the exception of my own calls of nature. It was on one such occasion that she followed me into the bathroom and wanted to play with the light switch like she usually does, but she was missing her usual step stool/potty chair with the lid down. She went back into the living room to retrieve it and I could hear her, what I thought, struggling with the chair. Suddenly she burst into hysterical crying. I called to her to come back to me and tell me what was wrong. She thundered down the hall, stopped in the doorway to the bathroom, gave me her most distressed, tear soaked look, pointed back at the living room and declared, “POOP!” I was shocked. I asked her if she had pooped and she again said, “Yeah. Poop!”

Sure enough she had gone right on the floor and she was quite upset about it. I calmly told her that it was okay and that next time it needed to go in the potty chair. She seemed suspicious that something like that could go in her chair so she simply responded with several proclamations of, “Ew.”

Overall I didn’t consider the day a failure or a success. It was just a step in the right direction.

Day 2, Saturday. Aubrey had one accident on the floor as she was declaring, “Poddy!” and left a trail of it all the way to her chair where she sat down, albeit a bit too late. The second time however was a resounding success. I was distracted by the television and came back to reality as Aubrey stepped in front of me, again declaring her intentions by yelling, “Poddy!” She sat down and went! I was so excited I cried. Not horrific sobs of course, just proud tearing up.

Later that day during my shower I brought Aubs and her potty chair into the restroom with me. She was haphazardly removing everything that wasn’t nailed down from underneath the vanity, as usual, while I was washing my hair. Suddenly I heard the musical chimes from her chair, I peaked out to see her proudly sitting on her chair. She smiled at me, kicked her legs and said, “Poddy!”

Day 3, Sunday. More pottying success. Brandon had to leave last minute to fly to Louisville for work and shortly after he left I found myself sucked into a movie I’ve seen a dozen times. Next thing I know Aubrey comes streaking down the hall, not saying anything, and sat on her chair. A few seconds later I was brought back to reality by her yelling, “Ew!” Lo and behold, she had figured out that number 2 really does go in her chair!

Day 4, Monday. Not one accident! She has made it to her chair for both potty and poo. I am just glowing I’m so proud of her! Now what the heck am I going to do with the giant, unopened box of diapers I bought last week? What a good problem to have!


Eeeeew durdy!

Every stinky diaper I change of Aubrey’s I have always said “Eeeew!” in an exaggerated way mostly in an effort to entertain her while I cleaned her up. I never gave it much thought but I now realize she has entered the age when I need to start watching each and every thing I say around her because she is a little parrot.

We are nearing the time when I am going to make a true effort at potty training so every time I head to the restroom I make a point of telling Aubrey, “Mommy has to go potty, do you want to come sit on your potty too?” She is usually very excited to join me in the restroom and sit on her little potty seat copying me. The other day she even pantomimed wiping even though her pants were still pulled up.

Last week she walked into the restroom, stood in front of me, pulled my jeans away from my knees, scrunched up her face and said, “Eeeeeeew.” I burst out laughing. Now she loves to point out everything she considers to be gross and melodramatically announce that it is “Ew.” This morning on the way to day care she dropped a piece of Pop Tart out of her mouth and it landed on her arm, to which she responded with an upgraded phrase of “Eeeew durdy. Durdy Momma.”

She is getting good at stringing words together too. She was enjoying a sucker she was given by a store clerk and declared, “Nummy Daddy! Nummy!” Of course I had to correct her that I was Mommy, to which after a short pause she laughed and rephrased her statement to, “Nummy Momma.”



Mood Swings

Aubrey has been having some mood swings lately. I don’t know if I would attribute them to her rapidly nearing age two or her growing collection of molar teeth but having a three foot tall hand grenade for a daughter has been…interesting.

Some mornings she wakes up in the best mood, laughing and chattering all the way to day care. Then there are the other mornings, like today, when she wakes up crying for no apparent reason and proceeds to alternate between sullen complacency and defiant anger every time I make an attempt to talk to her. This morning I committed the heinous crime of offering her chocolate milk. (I know, I’m sooo mean.) She yelled at me about that one for a good five minutes repeating “No!” and every time I said I wasn’t going to make her drink it she cried harder.

On Monday I took Aubs to the doctor for her 18 month check up (exactly a month late since her doctor is always over booked) and that was a horrible day. We were called into the exam room where Aubs was stripped down to the diaper for height (33″) and weight (23lbs) measurements. All that went just fine, but then just like every doctor’s office, we were left in the room waiting for another 40 minutes for the doctor. Aubrey get’s antsy fairly easily so closing the door and containing her in the sterile, toy-less room was not an option. She insisted on wearing her sunglasses and roaming the halls wearing nothing but her diaper.


I managed to entertain her for a few minutes with some crayons I had in my purse. We were coloring on the paper on the exam table when her doctor came in and if you remember the description of him it is almost impossible any baby could be unhappy around him. When he entered the room Aubrey froze, staring at him as though he has appeared in thin air and when she recomposed herself she quickly stood up on the table and wrapped her arms around my neck in a death grip. She handled the examination of her ears, mouth, eyes, heart beat and lung sounds with a level of stoicism beyond her years while I was holding her. When it came time to lay her down on the table to have her belly and hips examined she went into hysterics. I kept telling her I wasn’t going anywhere and I held her hand as I explained what the doctor was doing but there was no calming her down until she was back in my arms.

As the sniffles subsided the doctor left the room and the nurse came in to give Aubs her flu shot. That brought on round two, first by having to lay her down again and then escalated by the shot itself. She glared and yelled at the nurse with incredible vehemence while tears drenched her cheeks, chin and belly. I had a heck of a time getting her dressed since she wouldn’t release her grip on my neck but I managed to calm her down again.

As we got on the elevator to leave there were two women in opposite corners of the elevator. They smiled sweetly at the red-faced, tear stained baby in my arms who responded by angrily and ear piercingly telling them what they could do with their smiles.

The rest of the afternoon went like this as I tried to finish my work day from home. I didn’t manage to get much done as I’m sure you can imagine.

As if to make up for the atrocious ‘mom-baby’ day we had on Monday, Aubs entertained me on the way to day care the next morning by singing to me while wrapping her head in her blankie. The volatile mind of a 19 month old…*sigh.


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